Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Weakness as a Sign of Progress?

Original Picture taken from StockSnap
Today was on of those days where I just wanted  to curl up in  a big blanket and cry. Because I was feeling so overwhelmed, so stressed out. Ever since I heard that I would get a promotion at my part-time job, I was excited beyond belief, because it seemed so amazing that people actually trust me enough to entrust me with so much responsibility, but I was and still am utterly scared
I am scared of screwing it up, that I won't be able to handle it.

In the following weeks I have a lot of appointments to prepare me for my new tasks. I can already feel the weight of these changes resting heavily on my shoulders. And today was, for some strange reason, exeptionally hard. Maybe it is because of the one and a half hours I had to work overtime to get everything done and the fact that this kept me from working out and getting a birthday present for my mother earlier in the day. Maybe it is because I didn't get a lot of sleep the night before. When I came home, I was so tired that I took an almost one hour long nap. Maybe it is because I had to add two new appointments to my "work-preparation-schedule", one being tomorrow morning and I still have to get some things sorted out for that one. 
And I still have to write my long overdue MA-thesis...

And at this point, where I sit on the couch trying not to cry, I wonder how everyone else does it? Why am I so weak? I know that this is just a phase. There are so many things I have to get used to, but that at some point will be a habit. There will be less appointments once I know how everything works. I will grow with every new task that I'm presented with. 

Yet, I feel this well-known urge to run away from my responsibilities - old and new and go back to being just a student, sleeping the day away and occasionally going to uni while enjoying myself the rest of the time. 

I feel like one of the hardest parts of growing up is having to juggle different needs. On the one hand, I want to work and lead an independent life. On the other hand, I want to stay in my little safety bubble from the old days where responsibilities are scarce, but fun just around the corner. It is hard to accept that life is changing faster than you want it to, that you can do nothing but go with it. Because this is how things go. This is how things go for everyone. 

Yesterday, I was looking at some appartments in my city. I do not want to move immediately, but even though I am so stressed right now, I imagine myself finishing my studies and staying at my job to get more experience. I would earn good money and I would finally be able to get a place with a proper kitchen and my own washing machine. That would be so nice...

I have to get my head around quite a few things at the moment, but once I figure everything out and have a (at least partially) regular work schedule I will be okay. This moment of weakness just shows me that important things are happening in my life. My life is going to change and I think it is for the better.

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