Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Blocked Roads

Original Picture found via StockSnap
 If there is one trait, that I can truly claim for myself, it is laziness
Since I have always preferred to just lie around all day doing nothing instead of studying, working or cultivating myself, I have never considered myself a very driven person. While this attitude has cost me a lot of time and chances to prepare myself of adulthood, I don't have time anymore to run away. 
In one year's time I will hopefully have a job and earn my own money. 

that being said, I have to look for jobs in the first place. At the moment I am researching for my MA, which I plan to finish at the end of March next year. In the meantime I want to look for some traineeships and jobs to apply for. Originally I had planed to start this month, but now that the time has come, I feel so discouraged
Yesterday, a good friend of mine came over telling me that she got an internship at a big company, a company I actually wanted to contact because of their traineeship program (after she told me about her application process, I am not sure about this anymore). 
I am really happy for her that she got this opportunity, but at the same time it makes me wonder if I made the right decisions in the past. We started off with the same bachelor's degree, but while she took a completely different direction with her master (one that is a lot more practical if you ask me), I, on the other side, chose to stay where I was, because I didn't know what else to do.
I've deliberately been stagnating almost ever since I started university.

Now, I am confronted with the big question of what I want to do with it - or rather, what I can do with it. 
It it not much I have to say... I am open for a lot of new directions, but a lot of them require a kind of academic background that I don't have (mostly economics and IT). So, a lot of roads are blocked for me. 

And what do I want to do with my time anyway? I do not want to end up with a job that I hate. I seriously have to start investing some time in getting to know myself and what I want from life. It is a scary process everyone has to go through at one point or another. It is very time consuming and personally, I find it hard to make out my strong points. In the end, they might not be good enough for someone else.

I feel like I have been repeating myself in the past few months, talking about jobs, my life at uni and trying to find the right path for me, but honestly, it is the one thing that I have been thinking about the most. 
And it eats me whole. The same old record playing inside my head over and over again.

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Going Out Alone? No Way!

Original Picture Taken from StockSnap
 Tonight was (or better is) this semester's party of my faculty at one of the local clubs. It was supposed to be my last one ever, for I will hopefully done with university by the end of March next year. This alone should be a reason to go and I really planned going there, but a few days ago I started to doubt this decision, because I had no one to go with. A few of my acquaintances from uni were supposed to be there. Eventually, I could have met them at the party, but still that means to go there alone

There are people who have no problem with going out on their own. They know that they will encounter new people or run into their friends and even if they don't they can just hang aroung the bar while exchanging deep thoughts with the bartender. And while I enjoy, even prefer plenty of activities alone (shopping, watching films, going out for walks, etc.), this is something I can not do. 

The feeling when you arrive and all you see consists of a crowd of drunk strangers  is just so awkward. You have to make your way through the packed location just to get to this already formed group of people, whom you actually do know and yet it feels like you are the new kid at the playground who invites itself to play with the others. Same goes for asking a group of people before the party if you could tag along. And if you are really out of luck, no one will be there. Nope, not going to do that. 
I like being alone, but I don't like feeling isolated or like an outsider within a group. 

For a short while I actually thought about going alone. Because I can, you know? Because I am an independent, young woman and if I want to go out I can do that.However, I am not confident enough. 
Instead, I put on my pyjamas at about 7 in the evening and spent  my time watching Friends, Parks & Rec. while knitting away like an old lady. At least I was able to save some money...

The main reason for me to in the first place, wasn't even the fact that this would be my last party there. It was a guy. The guy who had stood me up not once, but twice this year - on the same day of our planned "date". I hd hoped to meet him there to talk, to tell him what I really think about his behaviour, how much it annoys me. I decided (try to convince maself) that it is not worth it. Why should I go somewhere not to enjoy it, but to put up a silly fight? I am not even sure if I had the courage to do it. 

Well, it's past midnight now. So, I won't really be going anywhere tonight except for my bed. And honestly, those parties almost never turn out to be the amazing happening you wanted them to be anyway...