Friday, 21 August 2015

The tongue-tied Logophile

original picture taken from unsplash
As a child, I was always the artsy one. I used to craft, write and draw all day - when I was not playing with my Barbie's.
At the same time, I developed this really morbid style. I was always the weird kid whose stories were supposed to be dark and scary with mysterious necklaces, murderers and a bit of gore. 
When we were assigned to draw a picture of a girl with a jump rope for our art class, I got my major inspiration from the Japanese film "Battle Royale". Let's just say, that my picture stood out. My teacher loved it and it actually hung in one of the corridors of my school for quite a few months. 

Somehow, I always found something creative to occupy myself with and it didn't matter if the final product was actually amazing or some unidentifiable mess that ended up in the trash can. Just the process of trying to create something was worth it. 
I used to draw. Tons and tons of pictures and sketches. Well, mostly sketches, because I hated colouring. I used to embellish the blank spaces and backs of my notebooks with my drawings and spent a lot of time and money at the craft store to get drawing utensils. I was obsessed, but I was also not very happy with my style. Instead of working on it, I quit, envying others because of their great talent, which I suppose now, was and still is mostly the result of hard work and dedication

Without these two tools it almost impossible to improve. 

Then, there is writing. I was never really able to quit on writing, but at the same time, I got increasingly afraid of it.  

"What if my style not good enough?" 
"What if my stories are not interesting enough?" 
"What if they don't have enough wit or eloquence?" 
"What if they are just plain boring?" 

There's been this gigantic wall inside my head, I am not able to overcome ever since I started to consciously think about what I write down. 
No idea reaches my fingers to be actually written down. Killed before it's actual existence. 

Geez, even writing this down is hard, but I guess, one has to consider what the great Harper Lee once said in orer to get better:

"To be a serious writer requires discipline that is iron fisted. It's sitting down and doing it whether you have it in you or not. Everyday. Alone. Without interruption. Contrary to what most people think, there is no glamour to writing. In fact, it's heartbreak most of the time."

A logophile is a person with a deep love for words. 
I love words - as long as they are not my own. I could marvel at the words of other people for hours, wondering how they found the perfect words to describe what I feel. 
Why is it so hard to find the right words for what is going on in my mind? 

Because I do not know how to put a proper end to this ongoing discussion inside my head, I will leave you with the words of another wise woman:

"Writers end up writing about their obsessions. Things that haunt them; things they can't forget; stories they carry in their bodies waiting to be released."
Natalie Goldberg

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