Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Yes, I'm a procrastinator

I've been prone to pushing things away all my life. Especially important, tedious tasks take a long time for me to get done. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do something straight away.
Instead I tend to ignore it until times runs out and I have no other choice, but to finally give in.

After nearly three years of university this habit did not become better. During my finals I clean every inch of my apartment without looking at my books.

Books which keep staring at me in the most accusing manner.

Eventually I have to sit down and cram everything into my head in three or two weeks, because that's when it gets really uncomfortable for me. Three weeks until it HAS to be done. That's my kind of “Procrastination-Deadline”.

Comparing the last semesters of uni, this last one was definitely the worst. I had only a few classes, just two exams and no essay to write, but still I failed miserably. One exam was a complete mess so I have to write it again in September and why? Because I kept watching New Girl all day, working (out) and meeting my friends. Actually I had the time to study, but never did.
It was my first time failing an exam and hopefully the last one as well.

However to me, procrastinating when it comes to studying is something I can deal with. Procrastinating issues of the heart is something a lot worse. Delaying a break up is bad, because it occupies your mind all day and all night long. It makes you think about all the things that go wrong during your relationship, but when you don't want to hurt the person you're with, you stay quiet. You become a very hard person to be with until you can't keep it inside anymore. Finally, everything bursts out at once like a roaring thunderstorm.

At the moment I've been dealing with postponing a confession and I've been pretty good at it. For over a year I've been liking this guy who used to be my neighbour. We do like each other, otherwise we would not meet up regularly, but I would not consider us as very good friends. Maybe it's because I can't open up completely. I'm afraid of showing him my true colours and telling him everything that I feel.

What if he really doesn't like me “that” way? I'm naturally a skeptic person, so I only thing about the negative consequences a confession might have.
So I procrastinate and tell myself that I will confess to him the next time.
Or maybe never?
There never seems to be the right moment and sometimes I think that I'm rather a buddy kind of girl rather than a girlfriend.

I'm going to meet him in a few days and as always I don't know if I will be able to tell him.
But if I do, no matter how it ends, it might be some kind of a relief.

In the end procrastinating because of fear is far worse than procrastinating because of laziness. It slowly eats you up and makes you miss a lot of chances.
Chances for a a life which might be unsure and out of your comfort zone, but more adventurous and definitely worth living.

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