Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Hanging my Feelings out to Dry

Original Picture taken from StockSnap
Growing up as an only child I had a lot of time for myself. While I met up with my friends to play fairly regularly, I still enjoyed being on my own playing with my Barbies all day long. 
As I grew older I still got together with my friends, but I wasn't as dependend on it as I used to be. I even started to find it tedious from time to time. But it was never as bad as seeing relatives (with whom I have absolutely nothing in common). 

To make it short, I became more of a hermit the older I got.
Opening up to people is hard, even if we actually already know each other pretty well. There are simply things one does not like to talk about. Things get even worse when I find myself at the brink of diving into a proper relationship with a guy. 

In this case we are talking about closeness on a physical and an emotional level. There are hugs and kisses. And sex, of course, which is as close as two (or more) people can get to each other. I do like a bit of cuddling from time to time, but I do not like the feeling of being crowded - pressed to someone else. I also hate it when I start to sweat because of the other person's body temperature. But if you say how you feel about it you are considered to be a cold-ass, frigid nun

Emotionally things are even more difficult. 
In a relationship the other one will most likely expect that you talk about yourself, your day, and your difficulties. What seems to be completely natural for most people, is as hard for me as taking an exam at school. It is arduous, stressful and makes me feel horribly vulnerable. So, I tend to avoid this whole feelings-talk. But then, what else is there to talk about apart from the weather or popculture? While both subjects might be deep enough for an entire evening (if you really exhaust them), they are not necessarily enough to provide a solid base for two people to to be in a serious relationships. 
Relationships are not about superficial smalltalks, but about opening up your mind and heart completely for someone else. They are about sharing and exchanging

This process takes a lot of effort and even courage, but so far I have managed to successfully circumnavigate this challenge for most of my life. At times I wonder if I should have been more open. Who knows what could have been if I had had the guts to openly say how I felt? But then again, I didn't feel the need to do it. Perhaps because it was neither the right moment, nor the right guy. 

Sometimes, it feels as if the entire concept of socialisation was made to confuse and unnerve people like me. However, I do believe that there is a right moment and a right place for everything and if you don't feel it, don't do it. Opening up to someone else can be such a liberating feeling. Knowing that there is someone you can talk to about every damn thing on your mind is wonderful and if I were you I would not give this feeling away to someone who is not right.

Listen to your guts and act accordingly. 

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