Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Hanging my Feelings out to Dry

Original Picture taken from StockSnap
Growing up as an only child I had a lot of time for myself. While I met up with my friends to play fairly regularly, I still enjoyed being on my own playing with my Barbies all day long. 
As I grew older I still got together with my friends, but I wasn't as dependend on it as I used to be. I even started to find it tedious from time to time. But it was never as bad as seeing relatives (with whom I have absolutely nothing in common). 

To make it short, I became more of a hermit the older I got.
Opening up to people is hard, even if we actually already know each other pretty well. There are simply things one does not like to talk about. Things get even worse when I find myself at the brink of diving into a proper relationship with a guy. 

In this case we are talking about closeness on a physical and an emotional level. There are hugs and kisses. And sex, of course, which is as close as two (or more) people can get to each other. I do like a bit of cuddling from time to time, but I do not like the feeling of being crowded - pressed to someone else. I also hate it when I start to sweat because of the other person's body temperature. But if you say how you feel about it you are considered to be a cold-ass, frigid nun

Emotionally things are even more difficult. 
In a relationship the other one will most likely expect that you talk about yourself, your day, and your difficulties. What seems to be completely natural for most people, is as hard for me as taking an exam at school. It is arduous, stressful and makes me feel horribly vulnerable. So, I tend to avoid this whole feelings-talk. But then, what else is there to talk about apart from the weather or popculture? While both subjects might be deep enough for an entire evening (if you really exhaust them), they are not necessarily enough to provide a solid base for two people to to be in a serious relationships. 
Relationships are not about superficial smalltalks, but about opening up your mind and heart completely for someone else. They are about sharing and exchanging

This process takes a lot of effort and even courage, but so far I have managed to successfully circumnavigate this challenge for most of my life. At times I wonder if I should have been more open. Who knows what could have been if I had had the guts to openly say how I felt? But then again, I didn't feel the need to do it. Perhaps because it was neither the right moment, nor the right guy. 

Sometimes, it feels as if the entire concept of socialisation was made to confuse and unnerve people like me. However, I do believe that there is a right moment and a right place for everything and if you don't feel it, don't do it. Opening up to someone else can be such a liberating feeling. Knowing that there is someone you can talk to about every damn thing on your mind is wonderful and if I were you I would not give this feeling away to someone who is not right.

Listen to your guts and act accordingly. 

Sunday, 24 January 2016

I Surround Myself with...

Picture taken by yours truly.
 Creativity. 
Because it keeps me going.  

Curiosity.
Because it makes life exciting.

Comfort food. 
Because sometimes you just don't want a plain,old salad, but this delicious bowl of pasta.

Pets.
Because they keep me happy and sane.

Comfort. 
Because there is nothing better than a warm bed or a snuggly blanket.

Words.
Because they help me express myself, understand others (and myself).
And they are beautiful.

Flowers. 
Because you don't have to wait until March for Spring.

Friends.
Because they make every hardship more bearable.

Routines.
Because they help me to stay on top of everything. 

Humour.
Because life is nothing without a good laugh.


This very, very short post was inspired by Day 22 of Yoga with Adriene's Yoga Camp, or rather the mantra of this practice. I really loved this mantra, because it spoke to me on so many levels. There were so many bigger and smaller things that came to my mind that make my life pleasant on a daily basis.

What do you surround yourself with?

Sunday, 3 January 2016

Hello from the End of the Year Slump

Original Picture taken from StockSnap
From the beginning of December all the way to the beginning of January, I am in the worst shape - mentally as well as physically. It happens almost every year. During a time when I want to be as productive as possible, I instead find myself curling up on the sofa every day doing nothing. 
I do want to fully immerse in my preparations for Christmas and get shit done, but compared to the rest of the year, I am the least productive. Maybe it is because my family was stricken with a lot of bad news during this time in the past 3 years. Also, I tend to be in a very nostalgic mood which makes me ponder the past instead of planning the future. 

No that 2016 has started, it is finally time to let go of this attitude and get back to work. I don't have any resolutions, just some important things that really have to be done soon:
1.  finish up my master's thesis
2.  find a job
3. maybe a move (because of the job)

To get back on track with my life I started my new planner/journal today, loosely based on the bullet journal system to organise my week. I started doing yoga again (with Adriene's new 30 days program) and I am determined to do whatever I can to stop being so passive when it comes to my own life. And this change starts with the little things I just mentioned. 

The worst thing you could probably do to yourself is getting lost in this negative spirale of doing nothing and letting your life go by while everyone around you seems to progress. This feeling of stagnation is horrible, often so intimidating that it paralyzes you even more. 
The steps to overcome this are in fact quite easy, but so very hard to take. The fear of failing and doing all the wrong choices can be very strong, but know that every little change makes a difference. They all add up, eventually, transforming the way you see and live your life. 

In general, a slump that lasts about a month is nothing serious. Sometimes, everyone needs a break. Time to unwind and just do nothing, simply because you want to. But while this feeling becomes very strong for me at the end of the year, it is nothing else but the intensification of something I have felt over the course of the entire year. 

All those times you postpone a decision, because you still have so much time, but it is May already;
Whenever you see a nice guy, but don't talk to him, because "he is taken anyway"; you bilk yourself of opportunities. 

Stop sabotaging your own life. Stop putting yourself down. 
You don't have to be perfect. 
You just have to try.