Sunday, 24 August 2014

Appreciation Sunday #11 [Real Life Strikes Back]

 Original Photo taken from Unsplash
Yes, I know. These weekly posts are supposed to be something positive and life-affirming. I want to use them as a device to remember all the good things that happen, because I do not want my mind to be overpowered by all those negative thoughts that sometimes tend to go crazy inside my head.

However this week felt rather strange. First of all on Tuesday I started getting back to work which is not a particularly bad thing. At the moments it's getting a little bit busy, but nothing major. But still just staying at home in my pajamas the entire day always seems like a far better option.

The second thing was a lack of social life this week. I was supposed to go the gym with a very good friend whom I haven't seen for a few weeks now, but she got sick, so we had to cancel it and then there is another friend who is about to move to Munich next week.
We will see each other tomorrow, but it will be the the last time for quite a while
.
Even though I love being by myself and even though I know that there are people who care about me, I can't help but feel lonely recently.

Ironically he main low of this week was yesterday on my cousin's wedding.
The wedding itself was wonderful and I was really happy for her and her husband, but in all honesty I don't really fancy these kind of family gatherings. It is so awkward when you see these people maybe once every year and you don't know what to talk about.
I see them change and sometimes I ask myself: "What about me? What will become of me?"
That's when I start to feel afraid. People ask me what I am going to do after university and the only  answer I can give them is: "I don't know."
Being 23 and having nothing figured out sucks already, but once they give you this pitying look, it's just too much.

So, most of the time I gravitated between two acitivities: Drinking and locking myself up in the ladies' room being my pathetic self. Now I'm having a well deserved headache, but at least there was better music in the ladies' room compared to the music at the party.

There was this one moment when my stepdad talked to one of those guys and suddenly he told him that I study Japanese and apparently this man knew a few phrases, because he had worked with a Japanese company for a while.

So, he said a few basic sentences and I answered him and when he suddenly changed to French I just followed him. He seemed to be quite surprised, still a know it all, but surprised. When he left my stepdad hugged me and told me that he was proud of me.
At that moment I should have felt proud too, I
guess, but I didn't. I knew that, what I had said was nothing special, nothing to brag about.
Also, I don't like people to talk about me. Or to me.
I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to be by myself, so I didn't have to be confronted with my lack of social skills.
We left at half past 2 in the night.

While I doubt that there is anyone who read this entire text (which I can fully understand) I still want to apologize for all this negativity, but sometimes life (i.e. shit) happens.
Sometimes one doesn't feel like being all happy, healthy and active. Sometimes we need to be allowed to feel a bit miserable in order to feel better again.

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