Sunday, 16 March 2014

I kissed a guy - and did not expect it

I kissed a guy.

Well, actually he was the one who kissed me, but that is not the most important thing. The thing is that I shared my first kiss in about one and a half years with a complete stranger.

Some of you might think:
"And now what? You are a grown up human being. There is nothing wrong with having a bit of fun once in a while." 

And I could not agree more with you. In fact the whole night was too much fun to declare it as a mistake, but let me explain why this feels so strange to me. So, let's jump back in time:

It is a Friday night in the Autumn of 2012. I am attending the birthday party of a friend of mine at a club he had rented for the night. The whole atmosphere is very relaxed, but I am a little bit tense. I had my wisdom teeth  extracted a few days before and my cheeks were still a bit chubby. We all had a lot of fun, mainly because it was like a meet-up with a lot of friends I had spent my summer in Korea with. Among them was another friend of mine. During our time in Korea there had been some kind of constant tension between us.
Nothing sexual, but the general feeling of attraction. There had been a few of these moments, when if life was a film, everyone would have expected us to kiss, but nothing happened.

However on that night we kissed. Most of our friends had already gone home, but we were still there.
Dancing.
And then there was this song: "Something about us" by Daft Punk.
Both of us love Daft Punk and this song in particular, so when they played it it just felt so natural to kiss.
At that moment it felt right and it was a good kiss. I did not even worry about my chubby cheeks, which had been bothering me the entire evening. However when we separated at the train station, we just shared a hug and I left. Nothing more. Just a hug.

Why?

Because I was afraid. Every time someone gets as near to me as that I get scared. I am scared of relationships and I am scared of actually belonging to someone. 

Since then our contact had been rather lose, but recently we started seeing each other again, even dancing together at another party and having fun, but nothing major. He never asked any questions about why I backed off so suddenly.

Let's return to 2014:

The last time I saw him was before my trip to Korea this March. We watched a few movies at his apartment. I cooked. We listened to Daft Punk - everything was fine, but then there was this farewell-hug. Somehow it felt different. It was longer than a regular hug, more intimate and warm and then there was this strange, unsure look at the end.
I left with the feeling of uneasiness like something should have happened.

To sum this kind of backstory up:
Until my trip to Korea in March 2014 I hadn't kissed a guy in a long time, but there was anticipation lingering in the air. 

So, finally we get to the crucial part of my story:
That night in Seoul when I lost my first kiss in one and a half years.

Right across the street from our hostel they opened up a pub which is a collaboration with the hostel we stayed at. That meant free beer for guests from the hostel. We planned to stay for maybe two hours, drink our beers and leave.
It was a Friday night and like most Friday nights nothing went according to our plans. 
We got in contact with a few guys from the US. We talked and shared some drinks. Again everything was quite relaxed and fun. However one of them seemed to have "chosen" me as his point of interest for this evening. He was tall and not really my type, but still handsome I think. We had a good talk about everything and nothing. Around midnight they asked us if we wanted to come with them to Thursday Party, a bar mainly frequented by foreigners. We joined them, because it had been such a good night so far.

Long story short: we danced and finally we kissed. The kiss itself was alright. A friend of mine was having fun with one of the other guys, but I already felt questions and doubts creeping up inside of me:

Why did he chose me? 
What the hell am I doing? 
I am so horrible at dancing with a guy!
Fuck, it's the first time in almost two years! What is even happening??

At about four in the morning we left them and returned to the hostel. We were kind of euphoric, but panicky at the same time. After all we shared our hostel with them - awkwardness guaranteed. She told me that her "partner" had tried to talk her into having sex with him. It is something the guy I danced with did not talk about. So at least he was quite decent.
The next day he left a note on our door with his e-mail-adress and the words:
"Stay in contact."

I don't know where this note is at the moment. I think my friend got rid of it. I did not even talk to him again, even though we occasionally saw each other.
I was shocked. I mean, I expected nothing from this evening. I had worn my The Big Lebowski T-Shirt, flats and had almost no make-up on, but he was interested in me nevertheless. Why?

What about all these nights going out all dolled up and nobody cared? Well, honestly I am never really "dolled up" when I go out, but I am a girl after all and like to look at least a little bit prettier than usual. Maybe my "expressive" way of dancing which puts men off. I am really not a sexy dancer, but this is getting a bit off topic.

It was so awkward that my first kiss after such a long time was not with the person I had originally expected. I did not expect to share it with my former crush - who literally crushed me on New Year's Eve and I certainly did not expect to share it with a stranger. I do not regret it, but it made me realize who I actually want to kiss.

Should I try it? Should I finally give it a go? 
Or should I leave everything the way it is?

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